There is a famous line in Fiona Apple’s song Paper Bag that goes “Hunger hurts but starving works”. This line slaps me in the face every time I hear it, because I know how very true that is. I know that someone also once said that “nothing tastes as good as being thin”, and I often  wonder if […]

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There is a famous line in Fiona Apple’s song Paper Bag that goes “Hunger hurts but starving works”. This line slaps me in the face every time I hear it, because I know how very true that is. I know that someone also once said that “nothing tastes as good as being thin”, and I often  wonder if that person actually ever tasted thin…that sweet smooth taste of comfort that rolls off your tongue which becomes pungent and then stings the inside of your mouth until it bleeds.

To starve yourself is a sacrifice and the payoffs can come in many forms. The trip you have your body take down the rabbit hole sends it to places it should never should go. It’s a form of punishment, a form of self-sabotage, and a form of assurance that you don’t deserve to live.

When I started to deny myself what my body craved…food..and started substituting it with exercise, diet pills, and caffeine, it was sending it a message that there was a new person in charge..my Anorexia.

At first I started to get a euphoric high and I learned to ignore the stabbing pain in my stomach in exchange for sitting on that pink glossy cloud of control.

When I saw I had the power to shed body mass, and that I actually received praise for doing so was a fabulous feeling.

Suddenly girls were giving me props and guys were giving me proposals.

My thinness gave me a feeling of success in the beginning, like I had finally done something right with my life, that because of the way I looked and what I weighed I had finally made other people look up to me, and that because of that number it said on the scale would somehow make them happy with me.

However after awhile that hunger starts to dig its way into your soul twisting and turning it’s way looking for the pain you have been hoarding inside of you for so long. It wraps itself around your low-self esteem, and weaves its way into your identity.

It is now who you are, and it now why people talk about you, why they stare at you now, and why you lie in bed everynight crying because it hurts so bad.

After awhile the disease just takes over, and sometimes the hot mess is too much for people to clean up. They distance themselves or completely go away.

I remember feeling a sense of accomplishment when that happened, actually happy at my own state of miserable. At first I was trying to make them love me, and it had slowly evolved into a mission to get them to hate me.

If you want to get noticed, starving works…does the hunger hurt?…Oh yes…like no other hurt you have felt before.

The hurt eventually becomes disguised as normalcy, and you get used to physical, emotional, and psychological throbbing.

It’s the candy coated pain that covers up the really bad stuff, it’s our way of trying to not have to deal with the rottenness that lies at the core of our soul.

Is the pay off worth it?…no..I can honestly tell you that when you starve yourself, the only person you are really hurting is yourself. Yes it may be a way to run, to numb, to hide, or yes even get attention…but in the long run it will turn around and eat you alive. It will destroy you and everything around you.

It’s not going to get you love, fame, success, or happiness. It might get you attention, but not the kind you really want, nor really deserve.

There is no payoff to playing around with fire..in the end you will eventually get burned.

In the long run,hunger hurts,and the starving will kill you.



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