I haven’t posted much about this because things are still “up in the air” and I don’t want to sound like I’m whining. To keep my story short: I’ve been having stomach/digestive problems for some time now. In order to determine the cause I had an endoscopy in late December; the biopsies they took came back abnormal, so I had a “stomach emptying test” earlier this week. Thus far, my GI doctor suspects that my my stomach muscles are weak or “paralyzed” and therefore do not digest nutrients properly. This means that my blood sugar is out of whack, my stomach hurts and I’m exhausted much of the time.
This perpetual discomfort on top of the other stressors, which unfortunately did not just disappear when the year changed, sent me over the edge earlier this week. So after I’m taking time away from my AmeriCorps job to think and de-stress (and I’m still getting paid!!). I am so anxious before going this job that I spend my mornings as an out-of-control emotional wreck. I sit on the stairs weeping loudly and shaking. Taking these two weeks to take care of myself is all that stands between myself and a letter of resignation.
Last night I fell asleep without zanax or an epic anxiety attack. I am calm knowing that I don’t have to rush off to an elementary school doubled over in “post-breakfast-pain.” I feel like I could actually begin to make progress again – yesterday I even made an appointment with a new therapist.
Since September I’ve been sliding down an icy slope and gaining momentum with each passing day. Earlier this week as I sped past through the innermost circles of Hell, I felt so worthless, so lowly and so lost that I could hardly function without shaking as the cold, clammy waves of anxiety threatened to drown me. I’m not sure where I stand now, but I’ve surely hit a wall, or the bottom of a pit. In the optimistic spirit that I promised to embody in 2011: this rollercoaster only has one place to go from here: up. I’ve already taken the first step; I’m trying not to view my leave of absence as a weak-hearted escape, but rather as a choice to continue to confront ED and the anxieties he brings.