Recovery: What Does Change Have To Do With It?

Recovery is all about change, isn’t it? You have to change your entire life in order to recover from your eating disorder.

It’s scary. It’s new. It’s difficult. It’s something nobody wants to do.

But it’s the only way out. The only way forward.

To be quite honest, I’ve had a very difficult week. My hubby and I celebrated our 2-year email anniversary on Monday with a big yummy lunch at a beautiful place near Zurich.

It was delicious, but I’ve been struggling with the aftermath the entire week.

I’ve felt guilty, fat, disgusting, like a pig. My pants felt tight, my belly huge, my face fat (all of it imaginary, just to make sure you understand!), my self-worth gone.

I restricted, then fell back, restricted again, fell back again. Overexercised. Relented. Overexercised again. Relented once more.

And here I am. It’s Friday evening. I haven’t done anything today, nor yesterday. Well, nothing productive anyway. Emails didn’t get answered (actually not for several weeks now). Blog posts didn’t get written. Books didn’t get turned into Kindle versions. Life was put on hold.

What does this have to do with change?

Well, stay with me, OK?

This afternoon I had a meeting with the President of the Swiss Network for Eating Disorders. That’s when it hit me. I had changed. I had come a long, long way in the past year. I have grown into a young woman with a purpose, an agenda, a mission. I didn’t have to engage in eating disordered behavior anymore in order to fill my empty life.

My life was already filled with excitement, purpose and work that needed to be done. A pound extra on my hips (imaginary as it is) wouldn’t take all of that away.

I had changed. I had grown. I had evolved.

Do you know what the best part is?

You can change too!

You just have to want it really, really, really bad. And I know that you do!

Well, that’s all good, but what does change mean practically? How does it affect my life?

Let me give you a few hints on what change really means (at least for me):

Change means…

never giving up.

always evolving.

throwing away the old and accepting the new.

taking on new challenges.

letting go of that old pair of jeans and buying yourself a new one (which I’ll have to do! Wish me luck!!!)

being excited about the uncertainty.

not fearing what’s ahead.

letting go of the known.

fighting for your future.

going with the flow.

tapping into what scares you the most.

excitement.

looking the beast that lives inside yourself in the eyes, staring it down, telling it that it doesn’t have any power over you anymore.

wanting to live.

putting on a few pounds and accepting yourself that way.

not thinking your worth is tied to your weight.

loving yourself for who you are.

embracing your body for what it is.

eating.

starting.

stopping.

going.

never giving up.

living.

What does change mean to you?

How do you view change in the eyes of recovery?

Recovery: What does Change have to do with it? is a post from: Fighting Anorexia