I Really Want To Be Schizophrenic, But I Don’t Hear Voices Part 2

I cannot tell you how relieved I am that you all got the meaning of my last post.

Last week I looked at search engine terms used to find my blog and saw this gem looking back at me. As you can see, I’m more used to getting plus size model searches, bingeing and body image and as I wrote this post on thinspiration then I do get the occasional ‘wannerexia’ click.

This search engine term stayed with me though, and I wanted to highlight just how ridiculous is sounds from a disordered perspective.

No one wants to be schizophrenic, because it’s not glamorised in the media. If anything, it’s demonised. Schizophrenia is largely misunderstood, as it’s an umbrella terms used to describe different types of schizophrenia such as paranoid schizophrenia, disorganised schizophrenia, catatonic schizophrenia, undifferentiated schizophrenia and residual schizophrenia.

Like the term Eating Disorders covers Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge-Eating Disorder, EDNOS, Orthorexia, and many more.

I know how destructive having an Eating Disorder is, with poor body image, sometimes distorted body image, cramming my body full of food and being depressed because of the guilt, not to mention the shame of being overweight… I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

And because of my experiences with my Eating Disorder – especially it not being a romanticised one – plus the Anxiety and Depression I’ve experienced, I am so grateful that I don’t have Schizophrenia. And that goes for any other mental illness: Bi-Polar Disorder, OCD, MPD, all of the disorders you’ve heard of and all of those you haven’t.

I’m grateful for my physical health, I can walk, run, cycle, do the buttons up on my shirts, booty dance to Beyoncé and pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time. Admittedly it takes a while to get the rhythm going, but I can do these things. I would never mope about not having a broken leg or Osteoporosis.

If you are so privileged that the only thing you can focus on is becoming unhealthy, then you need to look at other aspects of your life that are leaving you unfulfilled. Something is wrong, it’s just you can’t choose your problems. Like you can’t choose your health issues, be it mental or physical.

If you have a perfectly good relationship with food, why would you want to destroy that? I can’t speak for those suffering from Anorexia and Bulimia, but my relationship with food is hypocritical of itself. I love food because it relaxes me, it gives me comfort, it allows me to forget the real problems behind my Eating Disorder and focus on the superficial – my Eating Disorder is making me overweight, if I can just stop bingeing and lose weight everything will be fine.

Yet I don’t enjoy food. It is stuffed into my stomach leaving me feeling uncomfortable and sick. This full feeling makes me feel disgusting, yet satisfying. I’m purposely eating lots of food that I know won’t help me lose weight. I’m giving into something so unhealthy, and continuously trying to undo my bingeing by pressuring myself to exercise to my limit, and when I don’t do that because I’m depressed and tired of life, I feel terrible. So I eat.

I’d love to one day get to a stage where I can enjoy food, for the texture and flavour, but right now, my idea of recovery is to be able to tolerate food rather than have such exaggerated emotions towards it.

So if you have a healthy relationship with food, cherish it.

These people who want to be Anorexic don’t want to be Anorexic, because real Anorexia is so far from glamorous. I wrote the last post based on rumours and stereotypes surrounding Schizophrenia. Not all sufferers of Schizophrenia are dangerous and want to burn your house down, like not all people suffering with Eating Disorders are thin and wear bug-eyed sunglasses so their face appears smaller.

There is no excuse for ignorance. There are so many resources available on the internet, in libraries that will give you so much information, there just aren’t any excuses left.

I researched most of my information about Schizophrenia here.

I researched Eating Disorders here.

And I read blogs (see blogroll) to get a true perspective of Eating Disorders.

Emma