Feeding The Fire

The anorexic brain feed on malnutrition. It begins to whir and clink as one walks through the kitchen, hunger unfulfilled. I currently have no choice but to strictly limit my intake – no starches, no nuts, no “starchy vegetables,” and very limited fat. It’s unpleasant, painfully dull and driving me quickly back to the dark empire where restriction rules all.
“Think of how much weight you could lose!” is the what I hear near 24/7 these days. Truth be told, I don’t think I’m interested in losing weight right now. While Ed may have other ideas, I just want to feel better. I want to go through my days choosing what to eat and enjoying, not just opting for yogurt, frozen yogurt and applesauce because they are the only foods left to me.
While I’m sure of Mary’s intentions and can easily separate them from ED’s, the challenge is immense. I am exhausted (starches = carbohydrates = energy) and nauseas and dizzy and often in severe pain. These are all set backs; I tell myself to wake up each morning motivated and ready to get through my day without complaining or simply sleeping it away. But, my brain’s reflex reaction to restriction and hunger is to assume that it is a rightful punishment. I find myself thinking that I’ll try harder and be a better person. Try harder at what? I’m not doing this to myself yet I feel compelled to change myself in order to somehow escape the pain.
Basically, these disorders/deficiencies are perpetuating the eating disorder. I’m told to eat, but immediately punished by unbearable nausea and pain. Yet, everytime I turn down food (because I am actually not allowed to eat it) I become weaker and ED gains control.