Living With ED For 30 Years: Louise’s Recovery Story, Part III

This four-part article was written exclusively for EatingDisorders.com by Louise J. Twardowski, a member of SupportGroups.com. In this article, Louise discusses how her eating disorder evolved, how she struggled with alcohol and purging as an adult and how she finally found the help she needed.

Click here to read Part I.

Alcohol and Ed were my life. I got pregnant in 1988 and stopped drinking, but was not eating much either. Thank God, my daughter was born healthy and not underweight. I love being a mom, but after her birth postpartum blues took their toll. I drank and did not eat. I cooked all kinds of elaborate meals for family and friends, but I would never have a bite.

Starting a New Journey

I remember that after a year and a half of this one night while drunk I fell asleep on the couch, while my daughter cried. I guess you could say I blacked out. After that I made the decision to leave. I could not take care of myself, let alone my daughter. I knew that my ex-husband’s mother would take care of my daughter, and so Ed and I went out on the road.
I traveled with a guy whom I thought loved me, but really did not.

All I wanted was to be loved for who I was. I then moved to the Maritimes, and found a job driving. I continued loosing weight, not being able to stay in a relationship. I was always running from life, from wanting to live. I just wanted to be normal. Later on I met a man who abused me physically, verbally, and sexually. I was helpless, with no where to go. I would often ask him, “Do you love me?” He would say he loved my body.

Getting Sober

I stayed in this relationship for 10 years, until I had no self-esteem left. I looked like an undernourished person, and was completely depressed. On my own, I thought that Ed would finally leave me. I believed that I was in charge of my life. I felt that I could eat all I wanted and stare at the toilet without purging for hours upon hours. This then caused me to become so depressed that I had to quit my job.

I did not tell my doctor about what I was going through because I was afraid that I would lose my job. After a week, I joined AA, but the purging replaced the drinking. So Ed was with me again. I thought I looked great back then, and all the attention I got from fellow truck drivers made me feel special. My life was hell. Yes I was sober, but Ed was still with me.

In Part IV of this article series, Louise discusses how she finally got help for her eating disorder and was able to overcome the two evils that had plagued her life for so long.