Day 78 Two Wolves

I was riding with a girl friend and her husband, coming home from a speaking commitment in Belleville, NJ.  It had been a pretty eventful night.  At 26 days of sobriety, my willingness had been tested when I was kindly pushed into speaking at a pretty large meeting.  It was a 3 speaker meeting and I was told that, although I could not be the main speaker, I surely could be the leader and introduce the two main speakers.  I simply could not say no, and although every ounce of my being was filled with fear and uncomfortability that evening, we were stuck and I really didn’t have a choice.  And as they say, “Never say ‘No’ to anything in AA”.
“I only have 26 days, I can’t do it for another 64 days.  I’m really sorry.  I’d love to be a speaker but it’s just not allowed.”
“Sure it is.  You can lead.  You just get up there and introduce us, ” my friend’s husband stated.  I thought I would pass out.
Well, I ended up doing it.  I even stood at a podium.  If I had been asked to speak under those circumstances before this last relapse, I would have definitely said no.  I’ve only just started to read “How it Works” and “The Promises” these past few weeks at meetings.  It’s taken me at least two months for my head to straighten out enough for me to be able to read in front of the group without my head racing so much that I have to stop and turn the reading over to someone else or turn down the offer all together out of fear.  This is a good sign.  I’m getting better.
Well, before I got dropped off from that meeting I spoke at in Belleville, my friend’s husband Eddie said that having addiction is like having two wolves that are constantly in battle.  Which one of the two wolves wins?  “The one you feed more” Eddie replied knowingly.

So that’s how it goes…today I’m trying to feed my good wolf more than my bad wolf…