~There was a little girl, who had a little curl smack in the middle of her  forehead,  and when she was good she was very very good, but when she was bad she was horrid.~                                                                                                                                                                         I was severely into my eating disorder for 17 years and when I wasn’t skadoodaling around like a crazy girl, I was in and out of many […]

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~There was a little girl, who had a little curl smack in the middle of her  forehead,  and when she was good she was very very good, but when she was bad she was horrid.~


I was severely into my eating disorder for 17 years and when I wasn’t skadoodaling around like a crazy girl, I was in and out of many various treatment centers and hospitals. I think If you added them all up it would be well into the hundreds. I am also quite notorious in almost all of them for being one of the most difficult patients in the universe.

See just because you go to get help doesn’t mean you are going to take it.

For years and years treatment was just a place I went to drive doctors, nurses, orderlies, and kitchen staff bonkers.

I can’t think of one treatment center except Rader that I didn’t raise havoc in.

I spent most of my time figuring out how to manipulate staff, lie to them, hide from them, and basically show them very little respect.

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of people got close to me as well,because when I wasn’t being Melissarexic, I was being Melissasweet, Melissafunny, and Melissainnocent.

When I was at my sickest they hired somebody to be with me 24/7 sometimes and so I became very attached to my babysitters.

I did however probably cause many a person to lose there hair or go into rehab themselves after dealing with me.

I would scale counters and steal my records, I would hoard  all the equal, salt, mustard, any condiments I could. Anorexics love to hoard these..a.because we are starving, and b..because they control it by only giving you a few. Anorexics hate to be controlled, we rebel against it. I once walked into the kitchen of one of the places I was at, an when they weren’t looking walked out with a Costco sized box of like 400 Equal packets. To this day I bet there are still some hidden in the room I was in. I had become the master of deceit, and I loved it.

I could hide a whole turkey down my pants without somebody seeing it.

I could look you in the eye and swear up and down I wasn’t cheeking my meds, while 6 xanax were hiding behind my tongue.

They would take something away, and I would somehow manage to come up with another.

I had friends smuggling me in Tylenol P.M, and other contraband.

I got kicked out of several places for going into other patients rooms and just taking stuff.

I was so out of it at that weight, half the time I didn’t even know what I was doing, but none of it was good.

I would find a way to binge and purge. Stealing other peoples food, hoarding my own, or bribing somebody to give it to me.

Once I for some reason got a hold of some coffee grounds and was literally brewing coffee in my bathtub.

I got kicked out for stealing 2 boxes of laxatives on an outing to Target.

I ran away several times, sending people out on wild goose chases for a crazy skinny ass white chick.

I got kicked out for non-compliance, reckless behavior, and a danger to others.

OK..OK..before somebody freaks out and starts throwing the word “trigger” around I for the record am saying this behavior is not acceptable.

Treatment is a place to get better not to stay sick.

I am by no means proud of this, and if anything look at is an example of what not to become.

Treatment isn’t a  place to just go and become a chameleon, adapt to your environment and then live in your eating disorder.

That’s what drives me crazy now. I see so many people come into treatment and all they do is play games.

It’s pretty hard to bullshit a bullshitter to…see I wrote the book on bad.

I can see what you are doing before you even do it, and that’s why some patients don’t like it when I work. I ‘ll put them on blast when they start mixing peanut butter with their green beans or cutting it into tiny tiny pieces. I’m like “hey would you do that on a date”. They look at me and don’t know what to say.

Sorry but treatment is an effort to get you healthy again, not to help you stay sick.

If you continue to try to take back all the control, fight the system, and be non compliant then why are you here?

If you lie in bed all day and play Sudoku, or Facebook instead of going to your groups, again, why are you here?

I call treatment “dress rehearsal for real life”. This is your opportunity to take back your life, and you have so many people there to help you on your journey.

I am not going to massage your disease. I love my patients, but I am tough, because I know what it was like to get away with being sick.

Hey I am like “Mother Theresa with combat boots on”. When you are in treatment, it’s time to “build a bridge and get over it.”

If you are in treatment, ask yourself, do I really want to be here? Am I willing to work hard and push through the pain? I going to let go of the control? Do I want to really get better?

If you answered no to any of those questions then  I would say go home until you have a yes to all of them.

The best advice I ever received was right before I came to Rader Programs. My caseworker , who is now a great friend of mine told me..”Melissa you know everything in the world there is to know about Anorexia and Bulimia, but you know jackshit about being a patient. Why don’t you try being that for a change.

And the rest is history…bottaboombottabang!


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